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June 2010

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Jun. 20th, 2010

(no subject)

I just want to lay my head in your jean clad lap and soak up the reassurance of your body heat passing into me through your legs to my face and there just isn't enough space in this city to keep me away from you so how can you blame me for running back again when my heart feels like its breaking on another person's behalf and I understand because I've been through it too in fact I wouldn't be here if I had not been so desperate to get over you and I don't know what I was thinking when I thought that she could suck your soul out my veins with sweet nothings and kisses that didn't taste the same as they did when they came from your mouth my lips are stained by your name but it's not really your fault I don't think I'm just going insane again and channeling all of my crazy through my heart and into arms again and the worst part is that those arms are not open and welcoming and I would have to pry my way through your tin man exterior and stone cold face to reach you and maybe feel a little bit more okay

Jun. 15th, 2010

(no subject)

I don't think that you get it when I tell you that I think I'm going crazy
I mean that I feel like I am shriveling up into my body
and that my soul is decaying
because some little bastard
is stomping around crushing
butterflies under his boots
laughing and chanting
'I don't believe in fairies'
because he thinks that it is funny
to destroy things that are smaller than you
just because you can
and they have no choice but to believe in the person that's crushing them
because, fuck
they have to
you are destroying them
and I bet you still don't get it

(no subject)

I don't really like myself right now and I feel like I just put my heart in a jar and threw it into a dirty murky river filled with brackish water that smells like dead crabs and I am never going to see it again. Everything is so messy and screwed up and twisted in my gut and I don't want to let you go because that means I am truly alone even though I have a girl on the other side of my telephone professing her love to me but it means nothing. It means nothing to me because I am so caught up in the one person that I know doesn't actually want me and never will because what we had was wonderful but it is dead like a horse and I am beating it over and over again with the biggest fucking stick I can find because I am just not ready to give up on my heart yet. It's still inside of you and I want it back and beating properly stitched up inside of my chest just like it never left. I have never felt like more of a fool than I do right now because I am really and truly in love with someone that doesn't actually exist. I am so in love with the idea of you that I forget that every time we see each other its painfully awkward and we rarely have much to say because honestly we have nothing in common but a five year old memory of being fifteen and naive enough to think that we were experiencing "the real thing" and it breaks my heart that you can no longer relate to me because we are completely separate beings with completely separate beliefs and feelings and I know that you don't feel a thing for me except.... reliability? I guess that you still have my number because you know that if you asked me I would come running? For nothing? Why am I desperately aching for something that doesn't exist? I think I am just so fiercely desperate for your approval and affection because that means that maybe there is something inside of me that someone I admire so greatly can actually find inspiring and worth loving? I think I am actually going crazy. Seriously. And maybe it would just make it worse but something makes me think that I might possibly get a little bit better or at least think that things will be okay if you could look me in the eyes one of these days and tell me with your actual voice rather than text messaging that you do love me and that you wouldn't give up the memory of us for anything and that I am still precious to you even though things ended badly. Just please tell me that I still mean something to you and that I did not put my heart up for slaughter for nothing. Please please please. Just let me know that I am worth loving and that you don't find me repulsive because I am no longer skinny and that you still think I am beautiful and sexy but we are going different places and want different things and that it is just not meant to be. Please don't look at me with dead eyes like you have been lately void of feeling except when you are speaking about someone that you like much more than me. Please tell me that I didn't imagine everything. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me today because I am weak and I will let you reel me in as you please and every little thing that you do to fuck with me really does get to me and today you had me slithering and cockeyed with jealousy and you knew it and you did it intentionally, subconsciously, maybe. I hate that you still get to me and I hate that you know it and I hate that you don't feel any sympathy. I hate that all you ever tell me is that I am the only one that can ever make me feel okay with me. I already know these things I just don't want to let myself believe that the one person who's opinion means the world to me is the one person that does not actually give a shit about me for any reason other than some good old ego building.